My First Birth Story: A Journey Beyond the Plan

Welcome to Our Story

This is the raw account of my daughter's birth. Written only days after she was born. It is full of the feelings I felt then, most of which I still feel more than two years later. Her birth changed me, shaped me and continues to be a driving force in the way I mother, make decisions, and in the way I serve Mothers and babies as a Birth Worker.

You own your birth, it is yours. How you feel about your experience birthing your babies will change you as a mother, it matters. Nothing is guaranteed, there is no magic recipe. It's just you and your baby's story, intertwining into what needed to be.

A Fast Start to Labor

It was 11:30 pm on March 14th, 2022. I was sleeping, Jay was at work. I woke up with a big contraction but didn’t even think much of it. After using the bathroom, I tried to go back to sleep. Another contraction and after using the bathroom again, I texted Jay, “I think something might be happening” his response was, “Really???.” Minutes later I realized that what I was feeling was much more intense than what I had been feeling the previous weeks. We quickly decided that Jay needed to come home and we texted our doula.

by 12:20 am found myself on my hands and knees on the bedroom floor. Jay was home about 30 minutes later and I was having contractions every 2-4 minutes apart and they were strong! I needed him to squeeze my hips during contractions because the back labor was so intense. By the time Jay got home I was having difficulty speaking during a contraction.

Things Intensify, Time to Go

Around 2:40, we decided to head to the birthing center because contractions were over a minute long, and every 3 minutes consistently, I also started to feel nauseous. We called our doula to tell her we may need to have her change course. She was only a few minutes away so we decided that we would wait for her to get here and then reassess. When she got to our house, we decided it was probably time and called the Midwife back to let her know we all thought it was time to head in. We left home at 2:55. It was an hour to the birth center, and I was laboring hard the entire time on my hands and knees in the back seat. The drive was tough, although I still felt very in control and my breathing (horse lips) was top-notch. I was feeling great, powerful, strong, and ready.

Arriving at the Birth Center

At 4:50 she checked to see how we were progressing. We decided that she would tell me “You are making great progress” or “We have some work to do” instead of giving me the number of centimeters I was dilated. To my surprise, she said “Paige! You are making great progress! Your cervix is super thin and baby is super low, you are more than halfway there” I was so excited, this news made me feel so good! Later I found out that I was 6 cm dilated, 100% effaced and baby was +1 station. I couldn’t believe I had gotten to this point and I was still feeling so strong!

Experiencing my "Dream" Labor

Labor just continued to progress, at 5 am we went and sat on the toilet backward and it was here that I started feeling lots of pressure. At 5:15 am we moved to the bed, I draped my upper body over the peanut ball and Jay and our doula did the hip squeeze during contractions. At 5:20 I started to feel even more pressure, I started to grunt during contractions and breathing wasn’t as controlled, Jay reminded me often about my breathing and to do “horse lips” since that was helping so much earlier.

At 5:30 baby was still sounding great. Her heart rate hardly dipped at all during contractions and I got into the tub. I labored in the tub on my hands and knees. The water and freedom of movement felt amazing. This is exactly what I wanted. At 6:09 I felt a pop and my water broke mid-contraction. I started to feel nauseous again. Baby’s heart tones were doing great and by 6:12 I started pushing with every contraction. It was instinct. My body was taking over, I couldn’t push. At 6:30, our midwife checked my cervix again and I had only the tiniest bit of cervix on the right side. We decided I would lay on my right side for a little bit in the tub to try and get her head to push on that last little spot. At 6:40 am we alternated between hands and knees and a lunge position still in the tub. At 7:45 another cervical check showed that I was complete and baby’s head was just one inch inside. I could feel her head and this gave me strength.

Push, Push, Push

By now I had been pushing for about an hour and a half and I was so ready to meet my baby. Baby was still sounding so strong. We decided we would try the birth stool at 8:10 am. We pushed in this position for another half hour before moving to the bed again where we tried hands and knees and then side lying. It was now 9:30, I had been pushing for over three hours but I still felt good, and my baby was doing good. I kept reminding myself that this is still in the normal range for a first-time mom. At 9:40 we moved back to the birthing stool and I could see her head! Baby had dark hair! Just like her dad. I couldn’t believe baby was almost here! I remember looking at the clock and thinking “I am going to have my baby by 10:00!” I was giving the pushes everything I had at this point. We felt birth was so imminent we decided to get back into the tub because that is where I dreamed my baby would be born.

So Close... or Maybe Not...

After getting into the tub, my contractions started to space out and I thought “The calm before the storm” because I know sometimes that can happen. Your body tries to give you a little extra rest so your pushes/contractions can be the strongest yet. It was also here that I said “I can’t do this anymore” I was almost shocked when I said that. My midwife perked up and said, “Usually mommas say that and the baby is here within minutes.” We moved back to the birth stool since contractions started spacing and they wanted to monitor our baby a little closer.

It was at this point I felt a change in the energy of the room. I had now been pushing for 4 hours. I was getting tired but I was still able to be strong and give really strong pushes and the Midwives were validating how well I was pushing still! At 10:25, my midwife started noting that baby’s heart rate was dipping a little low during contractions. Around 100 bpm and not recovering as quickly as before. She started to talk about giving me an IV with some fluids and even mentioned transferring to the hospital if baby’s heart rate continued in this pattern. I pushed so hard on that stool because I was so determined to get her out and the last thing I wanted to do was go to the hospital.

The Big Shift

They started to listen to baby’s heart rate during and after every contraction and I could see it in their face and hear the tones for myself. Baby had been doing so well but now not tolerating as well as we would have liked. Within 15 minutes, we decided that a transfer was what needed to happen. I felt defeated, and so sad. How had everything done a complete 180 in such a short amount of time? Part of me couldn’t even understand what happening. Things had been going so beautifully and perfectly. I knew that this would change the entire birth plan, but I trusted my midwife’s judgment.

Tears welled up in my eyes as the paramedics arrived. I was still having contractions every 2-4 minutes as I moved myself onto the stretcher. My legs were pinched closed, I couldn’t move. I was in agony and heartbroken. I felt so alone and scared. This was the first time during labor that I felt like I wasn't in control, I was in so much pain and I was so scared. Jay couldn’t come with me on the ambulance but I was so thankful my midwife could.

We monitored baby on the way to the hospital and I was advised to try not to push because baby’s heart rate dipped lower when I did. We knew that wasn’t possible at this point but I tried my best to breathe through them but it hurt so much more not to push. This was the worst 20 minutes of my life, I thought I might have a baby in this ambulance but in a way really wished I could just so it would be over. At 11:30, we got to the hospital I had a huge contraction in the elevator and thought “This is where it happens” Still, I would have welcomed that because I knew that if I made it to the hospital room they might bring me straight to a C-section.

The First Intervention

We made it to the hospital room, I was alone without my husband. I was so out of my element and I still did not want to be there. The doctor checked baby’s position and she was turned to her side, her head not facing up or down. She needed to rotate more before she came out. We decided the doctor would try to turn her manually. Then, if baby didn’t come out, we would try the vacuum. If the vacuum didn’t work, C-section was probably the next step. At the thought of this, I cried. How did everything go so wrong that we were at this point?

I couldn’t understand why this was happening. Before they turned her, they recommended I get an epidural for pain control and also to help me not push with every contraction as that was stressing her out more. I was so hesitant to get an epidural but turned to my doula and midwife and they encouraged me that it was time and that in this situation it was needed especially with the doctor wanting to turn baby and potentially use the vacuum

At 12:06 pm I got the epidural. It went well, I quickly was relieved from the pain. I was able to not push with most contractions. The doctor tried to turn her, but she was not able to turn baby to be facing down, so she turned baby sunny side up and had to hold her hand there to keep the baby in place. We tried a few pushes this way, baby still wouldn’t budge. Then we quickly spoke about the vacuum and the risks. I remember feeling so sad about this too but knew this was my last option. I was still so determined to avoid a C-section and I truly believed I could do it. I changed the way I was pushing since I now had an epidural. I pushed at the direction of the doctors and nurses only at the peak of the contraction to try to conserve energy and have strong pushes even after so many hours.

After a few unsuccessful tries with the vacuum, the Dr. said we needed to head to the OR. I could tell she was at a loss, she also really wanted me to have a vaginal birth. I remember looking at her face and just seeing how hard she was thinking, trying to come up with something or help in a different way. Her new plan was to head to the OR in case we needed to do something quick, but she would let me keep pushing until either me or baby couldn’t do it any longer. I was crushed, but I felt that this was best. We couldn’t keep going all day.

Pressure, Pressure Everywhere

I cried as they wheeled me to the OR. At 1:00 pm we were transferring yet again to the OR bed. It was so small and uncomfortable. I had so many IV’s, tubes and vital machines on me, that I couldn’t move anything for myself but my arms. As crushed as I was, I still felt I could have a vaginal birth in the OR. Wouldn’t this be a crazy story? I wanted it so bad.

We continued to push in the OR until 1:20 pm. At that point the Dr. felt baby’s position again and baby had turned back to face my right hip. Along with this, baby’s heart rate was dipping into the 80’s and still staying down for a minute, sometimes even longer. I could tell it wasn’t good. The Dr. called for the C-section at this point for the sake of our baby.

I broke down completely at this point because I knew it was over. I would not give birth to this baby the way I'd envisioned. The grief and sadness overwhelmed me. I also knew that I’d meet my baby soon and that was the only positive thought I could feel. For the first time since 11:30 pm the previous day, I felt like an inactive participant in the birth of my child and it hurt so much. The drape went up, the drugs went in. My saving grace was the support around me. The nurses were so great at acknowledging the situation. They acknowledged that “this wasn’t my plan” Jay held onto my head and my doula held my hand. They were both so supportive although I can’t really remember any words or conversations, just the look in their eyes. They did all the checks to make sure I couldn’t feel the incision. The C-section started and I just remember the pressure.

The Birth of My Baby, the One that Cut So Deep

At 1:34 pm baby was delivered! Jay got to announce “Baby’s a GIRL!” I couldn’t believe we had a girl! My gut was right! The nurses asked me what her name was and I announced “Everly!” Unfortunately, I didn’t get to see her before they whisked her away. I couldn’t hear her either because she went to a different room which I was not aware of. Jay was called back within a minute or so to go see her and with the door opening and shutting I finally heard her cry! I was so relieved. I begged that they bring her back to me as soon as they could. I knew they would but it was all I could think about or say at the moment and those 7 minutes felt like an eternity. They delivered the placenta which hurt so bad, I didn’t expect to feel such pressure. Finally, Jay came back with our baby. We put her right on my chest and I was finally looking at that sweet face. My immediate thought was how much she looked like her dad and that I couldn’t believe she was here. She opened her eyes so quickly and looked right at me and I felt the love we’d been feeling for the last 10 months. We didn’t get the experience we wanted, but we were together, on the outside…at last.

Healing Our Wounds

Now the healing starts. Everly had a huge bruise and abrasion on her head from the vacuum. Her face was so swollen from being in the birth canal for so long. I now had to heal from an almost vaginal birth, 6+ hours of pushing, and a major surgery. As I laid on the table being stitched up with my girl on my chest the mix of emotions wasn’t what I expected birth to feel like, but it was our story. Everly was ready to show Mommy that although things hadn’t gone as planned, we would be ok. She started to show that she wanted to nurse which made me so happy, as I wanted to nurse her as soon as we could. To everyone’s surprise, she latched in the OR! This traumatic event had nothing on our little Everly. She was so comforted on my chest and continued to nurse into the recovery room. Given the circumstances, we were all recovering well. We spent just two days in the hospital before I asked to leave a day early because I wanted to be uncomfortable at home. We were all doing as well as we could be and we knew we’d get better faster in our own space.

The Birth Experience I Didn't Want...But It's Mine

I didn’t want to go to the hospital. I wanted an unmedicated birth. I wanted to catch her and have immediate skin-to-skin, I wanted delayed cord clamping and and unmedicated baby. I wanted to be the first one to see her, to touch her, to hold her. I didn’t get any of these things, but I did get a beautiful and healthy baby. We were both safe because of the decisions we made. Some might say, “All that matters is that you are both healthy,” I know people mean good when they say this, but to me, everything else matters too. The feelings around our birth story matter to me. My scar matters to me because every time my pants or fingers rub against it, I feel the numbness. My scar is a constant reminder of the trauma I endured, the sadness and the guilt. My scar is also a reminder of my beautiful baby girl and the love I have for her. Her needs came first, they did on that day and they will for the rest of my life. My scar is a reminder of so many thoughts and feelings, ones that I will carry with me forever.